I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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