He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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