shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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