I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
