There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
