I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
