I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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