well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
