he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
