he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
why do cheetos always look like penises
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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