I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
