he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
