11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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