Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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