life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
