Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
