Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Shame - the story of my life.
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