I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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