Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
