smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
