grandma shit on top of the toilet
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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