gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize