I got chris browned last night
I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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