We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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