Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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