She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
