can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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