Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
