He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
