Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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