my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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