it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
