They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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