I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
