Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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