Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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