last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
