96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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