Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
