What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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