It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
