if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
