speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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