The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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