He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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