youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
