We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
