I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize