i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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