dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
