I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
