I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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