Where is the hickey?
im six kinds of drunk right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
