my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
