and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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