At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize