Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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