I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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