apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
