Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
