i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
