It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
