My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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