I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the condom got lost in my hair
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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