Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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