Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize