All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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