I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
