i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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